I’m so scared!
“No seriously I’m fine…I’ll be okay…”
There’s nothing wrong right? I can live this lie forever if I have to. I’ve done it this long.
If it was so hard then why did you do it you selfish bastard? And If I got in your way so much then why didn’t you drop me sooner?! Why did you wait till I needed you so much?! You’ve given me nothing but excuses as to why you did it. It’s like you’re trying to convince me of why it’s best for us. But the truth is you never even asked me what I wanted! So how could you possibly know what’s best for me right now?
Don’t ask me what I want to do or what movie I want to see or where I want to go anymore because I have no opinions left. I doubt you’ll ever know just how much you’ve hurt me.
Do you want the truth?
I’m all torn up inside. I’m frustrated. I feel so out of control of my own life right now. Even if everything else did catch up with me I could deal with it… but I never saw this coming so I never prepared and I’m dying. NO I’m already dead and you can’t see. You killed me when you left.
I wish I could talk to you. I really wish I could. But the fact is that I’ve lost trust in you. And I hope you’re not mad at me for that. It’s just that well you made me believe that there’s such a thing as love and that maybe just maybe I COULD be worthy of something so great, of something meaningful, something beautiful. But like everything else in my shitty life it wasn’t real. I will never be good enough for something real. But nevertheless I trusted you and you burned me just like everyone else.
Now tell me again the part about me not being bitter?
Why can’t I just stop loving you once and for all? Why can’t I just hate you for being such a jerk? Why did you let me fall in love with you?
I didn’t want to be your toy but I can’t help but feel like that’s all I’ve become now. And wasn’t that all I was all along? Just a toy for you to play with…
But let’s not put a label on love.
I know I’m not the nicest person. I know I’m not perfect. But I never pretended to be. Maybe that’s my fault.
Do you want to know what I did today? I waited around for you to call me. Until the frustration ate away at me and I couldn’t take it anymore and I broke down.
I won’t lie and say that the thing with Vinny didn’t affect me bad cos it did. Hello! He was my first love! Of course it hurt. But time has made me see that we’re much better off the way we are now. Our weird relationship will always be just that. WEIRD! But even he never affected me in the way you did. I never thought I’d become what I have.
You just have no idea do you? And I don’t have the strength to even begin to explain just how much you’ve hurt me. And I don’t want to either. I don’t want you to think this is a guilt trip. But if could somehow make you understand…
Just pull the strings…
shavaun's music codes
written on 2004-04-04 at 4:06 p.m.
tired / of lying