Granted, I’ve never been accused of being nice. I’m a tough person do deal with. I have a very short temper and dumb people (which for some reason I’m always surrounded by) can quickly piss me off. Seriously, fuck with me and you’ll get more than you bargained for.
So I can only imagine what it’s like for him to deal with me on a daily basis. Not only do I have the short temper but I can be just as dumb as the people that set me off in the first place. I know I’m not smart and I know I’m not pretty and that I’m very very lucky to be with someone who accepted me as such for such a long time.
I finally managed to fuck up big enough to get myself dumped. And I thought to myself, “Well I really wanted this to work, I still love him, but if I finally made him fall out of love with me then I don’t want to be with him. It’ll hurt for a while but I’m sure I’ll get over it because that’s all that’s left.” And I refused to cry. I couldn’t even blink because I knew if I did they would fall and I didn’t want to let myself cry over this. After all I had brought this upon myself so now I had to tough it out.
It’s no secret that I dislike all of his friends. He knows it, they know it (trust me I made sure they knew), my friends know it, and even my siblings know it.
We (as in Boo and I) made plans to go to Hooters for his bday. I had already gotten into trouble for skipping out on the first dinner with his folks. I chalk it up to a misunderstanding. But whatever I get blamed for everything.
So knowing that all his buddies are going to be there, the very buddies and their gf’s that I care for even less, I was reluctant about going but I thought well it IS after all HIS birthday and I SHOULD be there. But the conditions were that I could bring along my buddies as well so I could at least have someone to talk to and not feel completely stupid.
That was drama all it’s own. Seriously, why is it that people still feel like it’s okay to flake on me all the time? When will I be GOOD ENOUGH to be worthy of someone’s time? I’m tired of the same old excuses. Give me a fuckin break! Don’t be surprised if next time I’m the one who says, “I’m tired/broke/annoyed/irritated/just don’t fuckin feel like doing you a favor today sorry biatch you’re on your own!” (This does not apply to Mr. Haroonie who actually came through last minute but came oh so close to being part of the list)
With that in mind I’ve extended my self-implemented break away from all the so-called buddies. I thought I was ready to start living it up again, but I’m not. I doubt I will be for a while.
Anyway so Mr. Boo decides to call me last minute, right before I was supposed to leave to dinner and inform me that THEY decided that THEY wanted to go to Chili’s instead because one of his buddies said Hooter’s had a two hour wait on Saturday’s. Had he at least given me more than a last minute notice and perhaps asked for my input I wouldn’t have cared. But he failed to acknowledge me because he was trying to look good for his friends I guess. Whatever.
And so the drama begins ladies and gentlemen. What really burned me was that He and I had made the initial plans for Hooter’s. And I told my buddies that we were going to Hooter’s and when I mentioned Chili’s no one was excited about that. Who would?
Now I’m not saying that I’m not at fault here. I mean I did semi-ruin their evening I guess. But the whole night I had to hear his friends in the background talking shit about me and so I made it a point to show them up! I went to Hooter’s and the wait was NOT two hours. It was 15-30 minutes! We were seated in less than ten minutes! I ate bought a shirt and bounced. I never saw my Boo.
I was pretty fuckin proud of myself for proving them all wrong. They had after all ruined MY plans. And I was ticked off at my so-called buddies for standing me up again (Haroonie being the exception or course). But then guilt starts setting in because while trying to prove my point, I had inadvertently hurt Boo in the process. And not to mention hurt our relationship!
I’ve lost his trust. I can’t very well avoid his friends forever! And I don’t think one month is a long enough time for me to change. I just don’t see myself getting any nicer in general when life keeps kicking my ass and I just have to become colder and colder. Also, it feels as if none of the things I’ve done for him where every good enough, otherwise he wouldn’t have made some of the comments he did. Maybe I’m not nice, but I try to be as considerate as possible of the people I care about.
It hurts. It really does. I never though I would have to prove my love for him or try to earn it back. I’ll play his game for one month. But under my terms. I’m not going to be around for him as much either. I figure I have less of a chance to fuck up. And also, I don’t want to be as attached at the end of it as I am now so that perhaps it will hurt less? (Who am I kidding?!) Regardless, it’s going to be his choice. I would never break up with him unless I didn’t love him anymore and that’s not the case here. Maybe I’m stupid for trying, but I know he still loves me. He still shows it and he says it. So perhaps it’s not all in vein? Maybe I’m stupid for even trying? I can’t help it though. I love him. I really really do.
"Sick Sad Little World"
No, You're not the first to fall apart
But always the first one to complain
You better get careful or you'll compromise everything You are
The world is a drought when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above
I'm making a choice to be out of touch
Leave me be she said
Leave me here in my stark raving sick sad little world
I've never had unpaid confidantes
It's more than I would care to explain
But I have an open door policy when it comes to blame
The world is a joke when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above
I'm making a choice to be out of touch
Leave me be she said
Leave me here in my stark raving sick sad little world