Perhaps this is why everyone finds it so easy to step all over me all the time? It’s always the same thing, “She’ll get over it.” It’s not fair though.
At least one good thing came from all of this. I learned to stop being so self-righteous! I’m sincerely sorry and ashamed of myself. I intend to fix as many of my mistakes as possible. I’ve been avoiding a lot of people for far too long. Not only was I being narrow minded with Boo’s friends, but also I was being even more supercilious about my own buddies. I became arrogant beyond belief! I was on top of the world!
And now that I’m knocked down again, I see my error. It sucks that this had to happen to make me humble again.
As much as I tried to fight change, I already see it happening. The same people I had been taking for granted opened their arms to me. Even after condemning them they let me cry on their shoulder.
I’m not going to try to go backwards. I’ve tried that before and fell flat on my face.
“I’ll get over it.”
Taking a semester off from school is starting to sound better and better. I need to get my act together so that I can be happier with myself. Europe has never looked better either. I hope it happens.
Also now there’s NOTHING holding me here so I’m not afraid of going away anymore. I’m not afraid of loosing because at this point there’s just nothing left to loose.
When you loose love there are two things you can do. One is you can sink into a hole of depression and let it swallow you alive. Now I’ve done that before and I don’t want to go there again. In fact I consider that the reason that I became as cold hearted as I am now. The other thing is that you can learn from your mistakes and use them to your advantage. I’m hoping I have the strength to do the latter. I'm going to do this for ME now!
Now for some ironies that I just can’t get over:
1. The weather has been beautiful beyond belief. My spirits were rising. Today, however, it was cloudy, foggy, and gray.
2. Yesterday, an overwhelming sadness overtook me and I thought that I could run from it but I couldn’t. On my long drive the song Love’s Divine came on and finally brought me to tears.
3. Last night after leaving Boo the same song came on. And it made all the sense in the world.
Then the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my belief you see
And realize my mistake
But time through a prayer to me
And all around me became still
I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name
Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes
'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name
Oh I don't bet don't pray
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name
Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all alone
But the message here was plain to see
Believe in me?
'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name
Oh I, don't bet don't break
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name
Love can help me know my name.