...I need a drink!!!
In a message dated 3/20/2004 7:25:48 PM Pacific Standard Time, BOO writes:
im sorry, i dont think its gonna work anymore. i think its gotten to the point where its too hard for me right now, and when i turned 20 like im looking at my life and it feels like i havent even accomplished anything. like i have no car, no steady job, at city for many more years. when i first went out with you i never knew it would go this long, seriously. my last gf's were so short that i thought us was going to be the same. so i never thought about the future with you. but being with you i never i would do a lot of things, such as drinking coffee or going to concerts or going to lots of places and doing lots of things. i think too many things have changed and its not going to work, im really sorry i wished things could be more simple and not have to worry about things and everything works. i love you but i dont think it would work anymore. i want to see you one last time.
My Reply:
I wanted nothing more than for our relationship to work. When you gave me a month I was both sad and overjoyed. Sad at the fact that I realized you didn't really love me for me anymore, but overjoyed at the thought that perhaps I still had a chance. I was willing to change. Yes, I loved, no, I LOVE YOU that much. But I suppose it's too late for a second chance. I still can't shake the feeling that your friends had more to do with this than you admit. I know becuase for a while now I've had people telling ME to break up with YOU. But I wouldn't listen because my heart was telling me different. I did want to talk to you today. I realized that we were in a jam and that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to reach some sort of compromise. See it's been too long and I don't know about you but I became too dependent on you. I wanted to see if we could figure something out. Breaking up did cross my mind, I won't lie. I even told my sister (btw she confessed she called you and I'm sorry about that) but she said, "you'll never go through with it, you still love him too much, you won't do it" and I knew she was right.
This whole time I kept asking if you were going to break up with me. I guess I knew from the start that you eventually would. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I thought about what you said about being friend and as much as I would like that, we both know it would never work. I thought about giving you time... is that what you really want? Cos I don't think you do otherwise you would have said that in the first place. I would have done anything for another change though...
You want to know what it is that I just HAD TO DO? I wanted to go to the beach and just sit on the sand and think. But I realized that I was all alone and then it didn't seem like such a good idea after all.
Someone once told me that a breakup is like a death. You see there's this person that you just love with all your heart and then just like that they're gone from your life and you can't do anything about it. You'll never see this person or touch this person or hear this persons voice. Eventually you forget their smell and all physical trace is erased from your brain and only memories are left. That's how I feel about you Ron.
I wanted to appologize for not given your friends a chance. I realize I was being an idiot thinking that I could have a relationship with you and never interact with them. We played this game so long that I lied to myself and said it would work. If I had know that they would be the reason that you ended our relationship well then you better believe I would have tried harder. That was my bad blinding myself. So please tell your friends that I really do mean it (believe it or not) that I'm sorry I was such a bitch to them. If I could take it back I would.
I want to appologize for never beeing as good a listener as I am a talker. I'm sorry for repeating the same dumb stories more than twice. I'm sorry for venting about work and friends and the daily stupidity of my life. I'm sorry that I hated being on top, that I never swallowed, and that I cried when I took it in the butt. In general I'm sorry that I was never as good a lover as you. I'm sorry that I'm such an unmotivated fat ass. I look in the mirror and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You're probably ashamed. I'm sorry for my piggy nose. I'm sorry that I took so long to meet your parents cos they're really nice and you're lucky to have them and your sis. I'm sorry for nagging at you about getting a job. I'm sorry that I don't enjoy cars half as much as you do. I'm sorry that I borrowed so much money but thanks for all the favors. I'm sorry that I bugged you about school. I'm sorry I ruined your birthday. I'm sorry for dragging you to concerts that you never even wanted to go to. I'm sorry that I made you listen to weird spanish music.
I'm really sorry that I wasted so much of your time and made you so upset and unhappy. I'm sorry for being such a self-centered, selfish mean bitch. I hope you know that I don't mean half the things I say when I'm upset. I'm sorry for my bad temper. I'm sorry that I bit your lip that one time. I'm sorry that I didn't let you touch me sometimes. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings so bad that I made you cry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you more often how much you really meant to me or how happy it made me just to see you smile. I'm sorry that I have such a big ego. I'm sorry that I'm narrow minded. I'm sorry that I'm a hypocrite.
Above all I'm sorry that I was never good enough for you and I'm very sorry to know that as much as I try I never will be.
You sir are by far the nicest guy I have had the pleasure of having a relationshp with (and not just romanticaly). I love that you're so honest. I loved that I knew I could always count on you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being my best friend when no one else cared about me. Thanks for the hugs. Thanks for holding my hand. Thanks for the amazing sex. Thanks for the belly rubs. Thanks for just always being there. Thanks for being my world. Thanks for having the patience to mend my once broken heart. Thanks for showing me how to love again. Thank you soo soo soo much for being so thoughtful.
Thank you for giving me a reason to smile when I woke up every morning. Thanks for giving me hope when I lost it.
Thank you Ron for being such a beautiful person and thank God for having allowed me to get to know you.
I will never forget you. Know that when you left me I still loved you with all my heart. Good luck with school, trust me it will go by fast and you'll figure it out. You'll get your car in no time just be patient. Where are you in such a hurry to run off to anyway? I care about you very much Boo (my Boo) and I wish you all the best!!! If perhaps our paths will cross someday, try not to be a stranger okay?
I'm not expecting a reply, and I'm not sure that I want one. There were just so many things left unsaid that are hard to say between sobs if ya know what I mean? I don't hate you, even though I feel like you've torn my world apart I don't hate you. Everything happens for a reason right? There's just so much that I learned about myself from being with you. I love every second of being with you. I loved every minute of our phone calls. I will miss knowing that there's someone out there waiting for me. But that's life. What are you gonna do right?
I will miss you more tomorrow than I do today. And more the day after that. I will miss your companionship. I miss your smell already.
About the stuff you gave me. I just can't keep it. I don't want to be rude but it's just to painful to me so please don't fight me on this. Please just try to understand. I feel unworthy of any of it. And besides, my memories are all I need. Check your stairs tomorrow.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I know I don't have any right to be bugging you. I'm sorry.
Take good care of yourself mister! You did what was right for you so I won't hold any grudges. In fact I admire that you were strong enough to put your foot down!
Ciao,
Cris